a method of self-discovery, exploring and establishing ideals
a method of self-destruction, deliberate dissection of the psyche
to me this is art
Asked by Anonymous Anonymous
Cross-posted on DA
Otherwise named “AX Artist Alley Tabling Adventure Extravaganza!” by yours truly.
Thanks everyone who stopped by, took a business card, or bought something! (Even if it wasn’t mine lol) I managed to make back my portion of the table, but not enough to cover printing costs. eh. As long as I sell the prints eventually it’ll work out, so I’m not too worried about that XD
On to the con report.
他們的痛苦 他們的悲傷 他們的病痛
就算我會痛苦 我會哭泣 我會臥病不起
開心一點 快樂一點 輕鬆一點
Back when I was but a budding teen, and livejournal was all the rage and very cool, I climbed on the bandwagon and got myself a livejournal. And then I remembered that I am absolutely terrible at keeping diaries. Over the years of my so-far-not-very-long life I have attempt to start and keep a diary on numerous occasions, after all, the cool kids were doing it. I failed. Repeatedly. Every single time. Somewhere on my nightmarishly emo livejournal I had once written something along the lines of, “I want to remember, I don’t want to forget the little moments in your daily life that brighten your day.” That never came to fruition. I think I managed to last a week before I gave up and decided I had nothing to write about.
To me, everything is relative. Things that seem hilarious and awesome and blog/journal-worthy at the moment quickly loses its appeal when I finally sit down in front of the computer at the end of the day.
Nothing seemed important enough.
Perhaps it comes down to my opinion that I’m not important enough. It’s a ridiculously crushing idea likely sparked by relative neglect from friends and family during my self-esteem-forming years. Getting side-lined in a group of friends, somehow finding yourself tittering on the edge of the in-group when you thought you were in the in-group, having your opinions overruled, getting invited to a party as an afterthought, etc. And you know how it is when a younger sibling is born; suddenly you’re not the baby of the family anymore and all the attention is diverted. It’s not that they don’t love you anymore/as much, but because babies can’t fend for themselves yet and being watched over is important for their survival.
Whatever the reason, I was (and still am) unable to shake the feeling that nothing I say is important (to other people). No one really cares how my day went or that I saw a cat on the way home and it was cute and made me instantly ten times happier. No one really cares that I missed the bus by a minute, again, twice in the same day. No one really cares that I helped three French boys buy stamps from the automated post service machine-thing and still feel bad for not giving them exact change due to frantic coin grabbing when they pressed a dollar bill toward me.
I know that none of that is true, and that there are at least a dozen people on this third rock from the sun who care and wouldn’t mind spending a few minutes of their lives listening to me ramble pointlessly, but somehow, I just can’t make myself believe it and accept it. To me, I am simply,
Not important enough.
10 things I wish somebody told me when I was in college.
When Austin Kleon has things to say about creativity, being an artist, and getting your work out there, you best listen.
Procrastination at it’s best.
It all started when I was at the Taiwan Flora Expo with my cousin in December (it’s huge btw, and I didn’t actually go anywhere when I was there cuz’ I’m lame and it was raining, cousin was there for work and I was just tagging along). There was a touch screen booth that probably introduced parts of the expo, but I paid that part no attention and went straight to the horoscopes part. Partially because my cousin wanted to show me that part. The horoscope said:
"Gemini. Weakness: over-thinking may cause neurosis."
(General translation from the Chinese as I understood it. There was obviously more to the horoscope like characteristics and how good or bad my luck/love life/money concerns would be that week.)
I immediately agreed.
I absolutely hate thinking. But I can’t not think. Thinking leads to over-thinking which leads to self-loathing over half the time, so I try to not think whenever I realize I’m cornering myself into a dead end. I hate thinking so much that once, when a friend asked me what’s going through my brain when I space out I considered my thoughts and answered, “Nothing.”
Nothing, is most likely a lie. The truth is probably more along the lines of this: I was thinking about something, but I didn’t like where the thought was going so I killed it, dug a hole six feet deep, and buried it. Then proceeded to try and forget that I ever thought about it. The end result? My mind pulls a blank and I am thinking of “Nothing (of importance).”
But over the next two months following, the horoscope got the gears in my brain turning, and I realized I had a lot of ideas and opinions which, to me, were quite interesting. Things that, if I didn’t write down, I would forget. In my vast despair of role confusion for once I felt like I was making progress—
So here we are.
This is me.
I am probably doing this wrong, because I fully intend on using tumblr to blog (likely) long, (most definitely) ramble-y posts about the way I think about this world. World not in the earthly sense, but more of the concept of the world. Perhaps something more of the philosophy of things, or the psychology of things. Of course, I am no expert in either of those fields so this is just my very unprofessional view of my world.
I do not intend to use this blog as a personal journal.
I do not intend to use this tumblr to advocate… anything.
Here in this corner of the vast and infinite internet I will instead record and sort my thoughts, and perhaps find an identity that I can live with (more later).
I will also be doubling this tumblr as a bit of a sketch blog, if possible, and post other random tidbits that I feel like sharing. Currently that means cosplay progress shoots cuz’ I think it’ll be fun to share, if only because I love seeing project progress shots of almost anything crafty. I’m so full of myself, haha. But we’ll leave that topic to another day as well.
I’m quite certain that most of my posts will be ridiculously long-winded, so don’t say I didn’t warn you (:
Just look at me, posting as if I have followers lol, so full of myself *shakes head*
—Ira Glass (via hyperallergic)